Writerly Entries

A Letter To The Normals

2009-05-13T17:36:39Z

Wow it's been awhile. I'm in no mood for updates right now, but I thought I'd post something special....

I came across this letter on a website that I often poke around at. It made me cry because of how true it rang with me and what I'm going through. I'm sending it to everyone I know. It was written by Ronald J. Waller and published on www.fibrohugs.org. I think I may end up writing my own version, but for now, maybe this will give insight to a lot of people just what I deal with on a day to day basis:

The Letter To Normals
Hello Family, Friends, and Anyone Wishing to Know Me,

Allow me to begin by thanking you for taking the time out of your day to spend some time with me and get to know me better. A person’s time is their most valuable asset and yours is appreciated.

I want to talk to you about Fibromyalgia (FM) and Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome (MPS). Many have never heard of these conditions and for those who have, many are misinformed. And because of this judgments are made that may not be correct… So I ask you to keep an open mind as I try to explain who I am and how FM/MPS has assaulted not only my life but those whom I love as well.

You see, I suffer from a disease that you cannot see; a disease that there is no cure for and that keeps the medical community baffled at how to treat and battle this demon, who’s attacks are relentless. My pain works silently, stealing my joy and replacing it with tears. On the outside we look alike you and I; you wont see my scars as you would a person who, say, had suffered a car accident. You wont see my pain in the way you would a person undergoing chemo for cancer; however, my pain is just as real and just as debilitating. And in many ways my pain may be more destructive because people can’t see it and do not understand....

Please don’t get angry at my seemingly lack of interest in doing things; I punish myself enough I assure you. My tears are shed many times when no one is around. My embarrassment is covered by a joke or laughter, but inside I want to die....

Most of my "friends" are gone; even members of my own family have abandoned me. I have been accused of "playing games" for another’s sympathy. I have been called unreliable because I am forced to cancel plans I made at the last minute because the burning and pain in my legs or arms is so intense I cannot put my clothes on and I am left in my tears as I miss out on yet another activity I used to love and once participated in with enthusiasm.

I feel like a child at times... Just the other day I put the sour cream I bought at the store in the pantry, on the shelf, instead of in the refrigerator; by the time I noticed it, it had spoiled. When I talk to people, many times I lose my train of thought in mid sentence or forget the simplest word needed to explain or describe something. Please try to understand how it feels to have another go behind me in my home to make sure the stove is off after I cook an occasional meal. Please try to understand how it feels to “lose” the laundry, only to find it in the stove instead of the dryer. As I try to maintain my dignity the Demon assaults me at every turn. Please try to understand….

Sleep, when I do get some, is restless and I wake often because of the pain the sheets have on my legs or because I twitch uncontrollably. I walk through many of my days in a daze with the Fibro-fog laughing at me as I stumble and grasp for clarity.

And just because I can do a thing one day, that doesn’t mean I will be able to do the same thing the next day or next week. I may be able to take that walk after dinner on a warm July evening; the next day or even the in the next hour I may not be able to walk to the fridge to get a cold drink because my muscles have begun to cramp and lock up or spasm uncontrollably. And there are those who say “but you did that yesterday!” “What is your problem today?” The hurt I experience at those words scars me so deeply that I have let my family down again; and still they don’t understand….

On a brighter side I want you to know that I still have my sense of humor. If you take the time to spend with me you will see that. I love to tell that joke to make another’s face light up and smile at my wit. I love my kids and grandbabies and shine when they give me my hugs or ask me to fix their favorite toy. I am fun to be with if you will spend the time with me on my own playing field; is this too much to ask? I love you and want nothing more than to be a part of your life. And I have found that I can be a strong friend in many ways. Do you have a dream? I am your friend, your supporter and many times I will be the one to do the research for your latest project; many times I will be your biggest fan and the world will know how proud I am at your accomplishments and how honored I am to have you in my life.

So you see, you and I are not that much different. I too have hopes, dreams, goals… and this demon…. Do you have an unseen demon that assaults you and no one else can see? Have you had to fight a fight that crushes you and brings you to your knees? I will be by your side, win or lose, I promise you that; I will be there in ways that I can. I will give all I can as I can, I promise you that. But I have to do this thing my way. Please understand that I am in such a fight myself and I know that I have little hope of a cure or effective treatments, at least right now. Please understand….

Thank you for spending your time with me today. I hope we can work through this thing, you and I. Please understand that I am just like you… Please understand….

Updates updates updates

2009-02-09T13:44:06Z

Lots and lots to update on. I've had A LOT happen in the last month or two....

Home Life:

My boss was apparently feeling generous. She took me in her office and we talked about my impending divorce. I told her what my lawyer had told me: Everything looks good in my favor and in order to start the paperwork he'd need an initial deposit of $600. He told me I could make it in payments and then as soon as he had the $600, he'd start the process. My boss decided to loan me the money through work. She upped my hours to 45 a week and is taking my overtime pay as payment on the loan. I should have it paid off in 3 months -- she said she'd let me have half of the overtime money, so long as I'm hitting that 45/week. I took a check down to my lawyer's office last week so hopefully the papers have been filed. I decided I wanted full custody of the girls. Juan is just.....too forgetful about important stuff. I trust him to take care of the girls on a normal basis. I do not trust him to take them to the dr alone or handle school related stuff alone. And, he still calls me if something happens -- like if Cora is sick or Shiloh won't behave. Really, Shiloh is completely rebelling on her father -- she's disobedient, whiny, and tends to ignore her dad. When she's with me it's the opposite. She has her moments--she's 5, afterall--but overall, she's a happy little girl with me. Cora, on the other hand, is not doing well at all. She's always been extremely over-sensitive. At 2 she would hear adults talking and take it the wrong way, then sit balling for hours about it. I had a conference with her teacher last week and they said that her demeanor has reversed since winter break. Before break, Cora was happy and sweet and always smiling. Mrs. Wolff said the very first day Cora came back after break, she walked right up to her and just cried. Twice since then, the school nurse has had to call me cuz they can't get Cora to calm down. Her doctor had mentioned before (when we told her about how sensitive Cora is) about childhood depression but didn't want to go into that unless this sensitivity is interrupting her normal life. Well, now it has. Her grades are sporatic -- one day she'll get an 100% on a test and the next day she'll get a 30% on the very same topic. So, Cora has an apt today. Luckily, my doctor is not one who will immediately go to meds. I hate medicating children, unless it's necessary. So many drs immediately push the pills and that makes me uncomfortable. It's one of the reasons why I love my dr so much -- she keeps it down to earth and tries almost holistic and natural remedies first.

As for my health, I saw the rhuemotologist and he managed to get the latest sleep study results. It said that they cannot diagnose narcolepsy or any other sleep disorder but they cannot rule it out either. Lovely. he didn't want to prescribe me any "real" pain killers until they know why I'm falling asleep all the time cuz 95% of the meds out there that treat fibromyalgia pain also cause drowsiness. So, I went to a neurologist last week, where he reviewed my sumptoms and we discussed the possiblities. he said the reason they couldn't diagnose me with the latest sleep study is cuz I didn't go into any dream stage. Normally, with narcolepsy, if you fall asleep during the day, you tend to go into immediate dream stage (which has happned to me), but for some reason during the study, I didn't. he also said that if you have extremely vivid dreams, it _could_ be narcolepsy cuz it means you're not going into the stage right after the dream stage, which calms you and makes you forget your dreams. So, he consulted with another nuerologist while I waited in the exam room. he came back and said that it is narcolepsy. He said the other doctor he consulted with told him that the anti-depressant I'm on has a tendacy to supress the dream stage. He gave me some samples of Provigil to try and so far so good. I get tired, but I'm not zonking out at the computer or while talking to people or while driving. I have to call my rhuemotologist back cuz the pain pills he did give me are not working AT ALL. In fact, they have a side effect that I really don't want to deal with. So much to do just to live a life. BLAH!

This past weekend was the last of a busy busy holiday season. We did a joint party with Cora and Shiloh at the clubhouse here at the apt complex. It went okay--had pizza and cake and presents. The only thing awkward about the whole day is that Juan and his family were invited and Mandy and her family were invitied. Just a little awkwardness but we got through it. I'm sure it won't be the last time this will happen. But, now, since my weekends are sort of freeing up, I can focus more on writing/editing. I would love to get over this block i'm in the middle of. It's so stressful not being able to write. I feel like my muse has left and doesn't want to come back. I am loving editing, though. I really like these style sheets we have to do for Lilley Press. I think I may even start doing them for my own stories. :-)

So, I need to work on crits, the novel I've got assigned to me at LP (once the contract comes in), style sheet for A.C. for domy, and my own writing, on top of putting in 45 hours/week at work. Wish me luck. I'm sure I'll need it. :-D

I am a sneaky ninja!

2009-01-24T23:43:47Z

Your International Spy Name is Baby Swan

Your Code Name: Checkmate

You Reside in: Prague

Why You're a Good Spy: You're good with gadgets

What's Your International Spy Name?

MUUUUUAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Dear Body, you are the worst roomate ever.

2009-01-23T12:30:36Z

Spent the last week in pain. A LOT of pain. Pain that would bring normal people to their knees in tears. And I have no pain meds. I've tried natural things: heating pad, back massage, etc. And those aren't doing anything. Nada. Yesterday I blacked in and out so much, I would come out of it in random parts of the house and wonder how I got there. When I wasn't out of it, I was crying. That hysterical "Why me?" cry. It was so bad that putting on my coat hurt. This is a new one for me. The actual process of putting on my winter coat took me several minutes since I had to take several breaks to regain my breath. But then actually wearing the coat felt like someone had tied boulders to the ends of it. I tried calling my doctor but got no call back. I plan on being a bitch today. I can't deal with this all weekend. Especially since Shiloh turns 5 today. I have all sorts of things planned. Grrrr....

So, Shiloh turns 5 today. I hate Time right now. It flies by too quickly.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHILOH!!!

meme meme meme

2009-01-10T01:51:22Z

Your Word is "Love"

You see life as possibility to form deep connections with a few people.

Relationships are the center of your world, and you always take time to bond with those you love.

You are caring and giving. You enjoy helping those you love.

And when it comes to romantic love, you feel passionately ... even in a very long term relationship.

What's Your Word?

Meh.

2009-01-05T12:25:04Z

Dean Winchester went to hell. For four months, he survived down there, if you want to call it that. When he was pulled from hell by Castiel, he told his brother Sam about it. He said that time in hell isn't like time up here. A month up here is like 10 years down there. So, while Sam knew Dean to be gone for 4 months, Dean felt it was more like 40 years. Every morning, he would be woken up by demons. Alavaster, a particularly nasty demon, would ask him to join the demons in torturing souls. Dean would tell him no, and then the demons would rip his skin from flesh, flesh from bone. And he would not die, but suffer through the unimaginagle pain and live through it. Then, when it was all over, Dean would wake up to Alavaster, who once again, would ask Dean to join the demons in torturing souls. Everyday for 40 years, Dean told him no and everyday for 40 years Dean had to endure this. So, what does this have to do with life and me?

Because being blocked is like being in hell.

Every morning I wake up and stare at all of my files. All of the unfinished works screaming my name, begging to be finished. I open one that seems to have my attention the most and stare at the screen. Trying to pull the words from thin air is like pulling the flesh from my bones. Pure agony. Because, the words will not come. So, I then close the files and walk away from my computer.

It's probably been a little over a month since I've written anything. But, it feels like 10 years. I feel like I've abandoned my characters, or that they've abandoned me. And still, everyday I open up a file and everyday I can't find the words. It sucks, to say the least.

Grrrrr.

Blah-thing ness

2008-12-01T01:27:11Z

I haven't posted in awhile. Really, I'm trying to live my life day by day, not really looking to the future for specifics. My mind has become a jumbled mess wracked with fear, happiness, guilt, oppression, desparity, love, life, death, and jungle-insaneness. Some days, I long for when I can return to bed and sleep away the darkness that flashes before me. Other days, however, I want the day to last longer, the sun to shine through the night so that I can enjoy what's in front of me awhile longer. I just got done watching "A Knight's Tale." Awesome movie--such a good love story. There's this line in there that sticks in my head. "She makes me feel like a poet." And she does. But a poet with no words. A poet who needs to release that inner burning sensation that could only be satisfied by the sound of paper soaking up ink. But, this poet has no words. No words in my mind that could possibly come close to what I'm feeling right now. For once my fingers are speechless. How many have found this love? I wonder. It's a sad thing that not all will ever find it. The thing that torments me the most about it is that I cannot share this with everyone I know. I cannot bring her to my father and say, "Look. I found what you could never have. Pure love." Instead, I keep her hidden, when I should be shining her to the world. What's more vexing is that she does not mind being hidden. "I will be your secret," she says, as if the world shall keep on turning. But will it? Will it keep turning, while those who inhabit it hide their true feelings for the sake of others? For the sake of approval? And perhaps the most painful part of it all is why I hide her. It's not for who she is or who she was born or where she is from. No, it is because of how fast our relationship has grown, despite the storm from my marriage ending. I'm not afraid of telling my family who I am. I am afraid they will not believe me. That they will say this is just a rebound or that I feel this way because of the dreaded "first." I get mad at myself. Angry, frustrated, annoyed. I should march myself into that house holding the hand of the one I love without fear. Without fear of what others think. Cuz, in reality, that's what all this boils down to. Why should I be concerned about the conservative and obscene thoughts of others? It makes me want to growl at the world. Grrrr.

Okay, enough ranting. My goals for this week:

undercritted lists
crits!!
writing/editing

I was going to get a start on this tonight. I got my music set and ready to go, opened up all the programs I need, and just as I was sitting down, I start coughing. I've been fighting this head cold for more than a week. I have no voice right now and I'm exhausted but I was determined to not let that get me tonight. But, the coughing persisted. I drank my weight in water. Had a popsicle, hoping the cold icy-ness would calm the mucus down in my throat. Of course, it didn't. I'm sitting here and start coughing so hard I throw up all over myself. Lovely. I jump up and run to the bathroom with purple liquid all over my shirt and pants. I'm not sick. It was all mucus that needed to come up. But, I now have a horrendous headache and need to lay down. So, these will be given attention starting tomorrow. *sigh*

ilyanme @ 2008-10-14T11:39:00

2008-10-14T15:40:35Z

ilyanme 's Halloween party:

ammepyre dressed as Mr. Spock from "Star Trek".

areteus dressed as Anna Nicole Smith.

bookend_2 gets drunk, strips naked, and somehow emerges dressed as Adam-the-first-man but the fig-leaf was far too big.

cyndith dressed as the resurrected dead -- complete with the most convincing coffin.

domynoe dressed as a character from a Resident Evil game.

dontkickmycane dressed as Daniela Pestova's sister.

elandryn dressed as a cause.

eveninghawk dressed as the Intelligent Power Ranger.

ezworld dressed as a very fake witch-doctor complete with a collection of shrunken skulls.

greenfaile dressed as Space Ghost.

h_bomb1013 forgot to put on clothes!

jeffthegeek dressed as Optimus Prime.

lenneth dressed as Ivan the Terrible of Russia, and it suited them disturbingly well.

linjes dressed as Guy Fawkes but the exploding barrel of dynamite didn't go down too well.

lt260 dressed as Elizabeth Regina on steroids and roller skates.

meiran didn't even show up and doesn't get any candy.

mina_kat9 dressed as James Monroe.

mindyklasky dressed as the Earl of Apliide.

mistypurple dressed as a 1980's yuppie child.

mzkrazykat dressed as Nosferatu the Supreme Vampire.

paloma_verde dressed as Helga the wisewoman, although the live snake was a mistake.

petruck dressed as a teflon cross.

poems_and_prose dressed as Jack the Ripper in a time machine, complete with gory knives.

rarelytame dressed as a walking Guillotine.

robertsloan2 dressed as a BriannaCo, Ltd. employee.

shade53 dressed as Camilla Parker-Bowles when she becomes Queen.

tem2 dressed as Josephine Baker but the banana "skirt" didn't survive the night.

theeditorspace dressed as Mary Queen of Scots ... without her head. Most convincing.

undomiel dressed as Matt Hasselbeck.

Throw your own party at the Hallomeme!
Created by sigma7</lj>: More info here.

Case of the "Not Good Enough" blues....

2008-10-06T10:43:54Z

Spent most of the weekend in so much pain, I could only lay in bed, on my stomach for most of the time. Only when I got so frustrated at being cooped up that I endured the pain to get up and go outside. It sucked and the worse part is that I'm awaiting an authorization from my ins company in order to get the pain pills my dr. wants me to start using. They are a non-drowsy type of pain pill, which is excellent cuz I've had a lot of problems with falling asleep at random times lately (like while driving or in the middle of writing note to myself -- I even dream in the short 5 sec period where I fall asleep). My rhuemotologist has ordered a sleep study to be done, to make sure that this sleepiness is related to the fibro and not due to narcolepsy or chronic fatigue syndrome. That's on the 23rd. Oh boy.

Mandy asked me to start writing. It was a very random and odd request coming from her, but she is random and odd at times. When I asked her why, she told me "Cuz it's something you love to do." She told me to imagine my book being done and published and it will happen. I told her that I didn't think my writing was good enough. And it's true. I don't think my writing is good enough to get published. Yeah, I've had a couple shorts published but a novel is an entire different matter. *shrug* I dunno.

And, here I am falling asleep again. I guess I should check on why Cora has been in the bathroom for 20 mins.......

Word of the day: Normal

2008-09-24T17:24:28Z

Normal: (from dictionary.com) 1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural. 2. servint to establish a standard. (my opinion) 3. boring. 4. unnatural.

Normal is very unnatural, in my opinion, which contradicts #1 from dictionary.com. Conforming to the standards of others isn't natural. What's natural is to be yourself despite what others think, right? So how could "normal" be "natural"? This is the dilemna I've been facing as of late.

On Friday night of last week, my sister Jess came in from Dayton (she finally got a car and a license! Hooray!) and we went to a local bar called Bleachers. My sister Kelly, my cousin Nicole and her boyfriend Matt, Jess, and Mandy all were there. It never occured to me that my family would feel uncomfortable around me and Mandy. After all, my sister Kelly brought her girlfriends around to family functions and it was never a problem. My aunt and her partner come to family functions too and it's not a problem. So why would anyone be uncomfortable around Mandy and I. And it's not like we're sucking on one another's faces the whole time. The most we did was hold hands. And yet, I got the distinct impression that Nicole was not comfortable around us. She looked uneasy whenever Mandy would reach for my hand or vice versa. So now I'm at a loss. I've never dealt with this before and I knew it was bound to happen but still. Mandy even warned me when we first got together. She said that being a lesbian couple was a lot different than being in a heterosexual relationship. I laughed at the time, thinking, "How on earth could this be different? Especially when it feels much more 'natural' than being with a man?"

Gah.

The rest of the weekend was spent in constant pain. I had flare up after flare up and I'm still feeling horrible. I have an apt on the 29th with a specialist so hopefully he'll be able get me somewhat fixed. My biggest problem right now is energy management. I have to remember to take breaks often if I'm doing something that requires constant standing or lifing. I also have to be careful not to overdue it in general. If I overdue it in the morning, by mid afternoon I can hardly move. When I was a stay at home mommy, I took naps regularly and spent a lot of time relaxing when I wasnt' feeling well. Now that I'm working, I seem to have less energy and am tired more often.

So, here's my goals for the week:

Get 1 crit done.
Relax often.
Research "natural" ways to deal with pain as opposed to poppin pills.
Spend time with the munchkins.

Let's see what I can get done........

The weekend

2008-09-15T12:46:47Z

...sucked as far as my plans were concerned. I was going to get up on Saturday, spend the morning writing, doing crits, chatting, etc. Sunday I was going to go visit my dad (his birthday was Friday) and then relax, maybe do some laundry. So, Saturday morning, I got up with the girls around 8:30, got them breakfast and made myself a bagel. I should have realized as I was eating it, that bagels don't tend to crumble like mine kept doing. I should have. But, I didn't. The bagel was starting to go bad. And not just bad, moldy. it didn't have any mold on it, but it was at the point where it was going to. And, since I'm allergic to penicillan in such away that I'm also highly allergic to any kind of mold or pre-mold spores, I started feeling very out of it. I laid down in bed, trying to will it away, but no such luck. Then, I went into seizures. I don't remember much. I started to feel shaky and the next thing I know, I'm in the bathroom hovering over the toilet. Mandy told me I needed to throw up the bagel to feel better. And, ya know, I have no freagin clue how people with eating disorders are able to do it. I gagged myself for 15 mins and it didn't come up. All I got was a stomach ache. so, I went back to bed and laid down. It felt like I had just laid down when Mandy came to wake me up. It was almost noon and if I didn't get up, I was going to be up all night. The rest of the day, I felt horrible. Stomach ache, headache, and my fingers felt tingly. Sunday was also spent recovering. I did go see my dad, then dropped the girls off to Juan. I then came home and relaxed. I guess I'll try to catch up through this week and next weekend. Hopefully.

And don't even get me started on all of this rain. 10" in two days? ug. But, at least it's better than snow!

This sucks.

2008-09-04T10:02:17Z

So, yesterday. I woke up with my back feeling a little sore but not untolerable. Anymore, this is everyday. I got up, got showered and went to work. I had some filing that needed to be done but since my back was sore, I thought I'd spend the morning at my desk letting it calm down, and then after lunch I should feel fine enough to file. Now, mind you, this is the norm. If my back is hurting like that and I rest it in the morning, after lunch I'm fine......well, fine enough. Well, not this time. I came home for lunch and my back started spasming. Bad. I got back to work and could hardly walk. All I wanted to do was lay down and rest. I thought that if I got all the paperwork done on my desk, my boss would let me go home a little early so I can relax. So, at about 3pm, I went into my boss' office and asked her if I could go home a little early provided I come in early the next morning. She started in about how my productivity is lower than this time last year, and she's not sure I'm cut out for this job anymore. Woah. Back the bus up. I'm not cut out for that job anymore? She basically told me she was thinking of firing me. And, since I'm already in enough pain with the fibro, this added stress just made the pain much much much worse. She let me go home but with a warning. I felt like my back was litterally breaking into pieces. Like someone took a flaming whip to my back and was tearing the muscle right off my bones. Now, mind you, I did get behind. Very far behind. Why? Cuz Juan and I split, the drs were playing with my meds, and I was under a great deal of stress, which of course translates into pain.

So, now I have to work harder. Mandy told me that if I'm working harder, she would take care of me on my bad days, which will be more frequent. I can't lose my job. Especially with divorce so close. I dont' want to lose my babies. *sigh*

It's been sooooo long....

2008-09-02T00:04:31Z

since I've been able to say this:

Here's my stats for today: *grins*

TT, ch5~ start: 2470, end: 2413, gain/loss: -57
TT, ch6~ start: 2142, end: 2108, gain/loss: -34
TT, ch7~ start: 1872, end: 1878, gain/loss: 6

Total Processed: 6490

I so happy!! I have stats!! Yay! Go me!!

Goals complete.....

2008-08-31T02:30:09Z

~~~Write up & Post 3 crits at DII~~ EDIT: ~~Write up & post 1 crit at DII~~
~~~Finish finalizing OT and send back to author for last check~~ {Novel is actually back to domy first....then author, I hope}
~~~Write 500 new words~~ EDIT: ~~Write 300 New words~~

Okay, had to edit my goals. I want to take baby steps after all....I'm very excited I got any work done at all. It feels so good to be writing again. I"m thrilled. And now I'm getting some ice cream. I'm hungry. lol.

To Do List for this week:

2008-08-25T18:45:43Z

~Write up & Post 3 crits at DII EDIT: Write up & post 1 crit at DII
~Finish finalizing OT and send back to author for last check
~Write 500 new words

You know, I can remember a time when this was a to-do list for one day instead of one week. I hate that I'm so freakin' busy anymore.

We got the computer up and running, started loading stuff onto it, and organizing my files and such. Then, yesterday, twice i got the "Blue Screen of Death." Great. So, now I have to call Dell back again and have them fix it one more time. Grrrrrr. Hopefully this won't put a damper on my to-do's. I've already got started on them -- I finished a crit yesterday (YAY!) and I'm about a little more than halfway done with OT. I still have to update the style sheet, but that shouldn't take that long -- it's just a matter of replacing page numbers now that I've put a new font over the document. The one that's really got me a little nervous is the writing. I haven't written anything new in well over 6 months. Not to mention, I've neglected the edits on my WIP. *sigh* Slowly, I'm getting back into the swing of things.......

Rubadub Dub

2008-08-21T17:07:20Z

So, my computer is acting strangely again. Turning off by itself, not loading programs, just being a real PITA. I had Mandy look at it cuz she's the coputer guru and apparently I have two different spywares or adwares that are eating up my system. The thing is, the only way to get rid of this particular strands of shit is to completely wipe the harddrive clean. Just lovely. So, tonight and probably tomorrow will be devoted to backing up all my files. *sigh* This sucks.

I like this meme......

2008-07-31T16:29:42Z

Your result for Which Changeling Are You?...

The Courtless

My mother killed her little son,

My father smiled when I was gone,

My sister loved me best of all;

She buried the family one and all.

Once there was a girl, who had no father or mother. All alone in a shack at the end of the village dwelt her godmother, a wicked and cruel woman, yet with just an ounce of heart. This woman wasn’t really a woman, but a disturbed Fae who made her keep amongst the living by spinning, weaving and sewing. The old woman took the miserable child in and put her to work on the loom.

So the years went by and the child eventually mastered the spindle, with it she drew fine lines of thread strong as wire. You had to get it right; else old mother Fay would cut off a finger as a lesson. The girl lost many fingers, but her thread was powerful and she fashioned replacements soon enough.

Eventually she also mastered the shuttle even when her fingers were slick with blood. She had to get it right; else old mother Fay would rip her hair out and make her weave a tapestry from it. Many tapestries later, the girl mastered both arts, and fashioned herself the most beautiful head of hair.

Eventually, she mastered the needle, and hardly noticed when she stitched through her finger tips. You had to get it right, or the old mother Fay would leave you with open seams. Many stitches and many cuts later, the pincushion girl was the most beautiful in the land and also the cleverest.

But she didn’t remain a docile creature, and she was slowly becoming her own master. One day, she would need to be rid of the old tyrant of a creature. The old mother Fay had taken to sleeping at all hours of the day, but try as she may the maiden couldn’t bring herself to challenge her.

One day as she was spinning, the solution came to her.

“Spindle, my spindle, haste thee away,

And here to my house bring the woodsman I pray.”

The spindle sprang out of her hand, out the door and she saw it dancing merrily in the country, drawing a golden thread behind it. Before long it vanished from sight so she took the weaver’s shuttle in her hand, sat down to her loom and began to weave. Soon she began singing another song.

“Shuttle, my shuttle, weave well this day,

And guide the woodsman to me, I pray.”

Immediately the shuttle sprang away and out the door. Before the threshold, it began to weave a tapestry which was more beautiful than the eyes of man had ever yet beheld. Lilies and roses blossomed on both sides and on the golden ground in the centre, green branches ascended, where all kinds of creatures frolicked. In the leaves, brightly colored birds sat, lacking nothing but song. As she held the needle in hand, she sang another song.

“Needle, my needle, sharp-pointed and fine,

Prepare a crime to anger this woodsman of mine.”

The needle leapt out of her fingers and flew everywhere quick as lightning. It threw down the flowers, it turned over the pots, the windows were broken and the door was knocked open. The maiden took herself and began to unstitch the seams that held her together. Very timely were her arts for the woodsman gasped in awe outside, but in dismay when he entered the threshold.

“Who has done this to thee!” She pointed a severed limb at the door to the cellar where the treacherous lazy mother Fay slept.

Old mother Fay, was quite surprised when an axe split her head from her shoulders.

Courtless are a mixture of this and that. They were isolated from the other changelings, so they had to improvise and find what worked for them. Many were abandoned and many more had no choice in their time in the realm of Faerie. They learned incomplete lessons in Pride, Avarice, Wrath and Desire, as such their body reflects this. Many are as incomplete or replaced with parts not entirely human or fae.

Courtless are like mannequin or dolls, covered in stitches. This is alright as each line or scar is a reminder for what happened and how they fixed that problem.

They found it difficult to escape the lands of the Fae because they didn’t know better. They thought the realm of Fae was all there was. To escape they had to dream of normalcy, they had to dream of something besides sick humor and pain. They had to overcome what they thought was their lives, dream of something better. As such, they were born into the impossible; which is why, coming to reality was possible.

Look back on the tale of the wooden boy – who only wanted to be real. He knew no better, he knew not what was evil and not what was good. He was a fool, but a lucky and crafty fool. He knows better now.

Take Which Changeling Are You? at HelloQuizzy

Updates....

2008-07-17T13:01:39Z

So, updates. I sat here staring at the blank screen wondering where to start. I still have no clue. Well, I guess I should just start somewhere, right? let's do the easy stuff first.

Writing

Nada. I've had the urge, but it hasn't been strong. I have ideas roaming around my head. I just need to sit down and write them out. But, first, I need to find the time.

Editing

Thanks to life drama and computer drama, I fell pretty behind in this field of life. I've caught myself up for the most part but lordy do I need a schedule to follow. Add that to the to-do....

Life

Meh. Juan and I are getting the divorce. He needs to get back on his anti-depressants. His thoughts are irrational and hurtful at times, and then other times he's crying non-stop. I know it's a sad thing to deal with -- divorce. But he really has me worried. Especially when he calls me and tells me he doesn't want the girls to see me ever again. I'm meeting with him tomorrow to talk. In a public place where he's less likely to just start screaming at me. I'm over him. Way over him. In fact, I started dating the girl from the previous post. She's kept me so grounded through all of this. She's a fantastic person and I'm happier than I ever remember being. The girls love her too. Juan wants to meet her but I'm not sure that's such a good idea. I understand that he wants to meet someone who is going to be around his daughters a lot but right now it just isn't a good idea. What else is going on in life?...................hmmmm...........OH! I start my vacation one week from yesterday and Chris comes in to Indy one week from today. Hooray hooray! I'm actually going to see her in person! Those DII-er's who have been around awhile know Chris as rie. She was in DII when I first joined. What else........work is the same. I have a new address and home phone for those who need it. i still have my cell and use that primarily but since it's in my mother in law's name, it may get shut off. I've got a sick kittie that my sister is actually going to adopt once she's feeling better. She had grubs inbedded into her skin. Very gross. hmmmmm..............I think that's it for now......Since I'm out of my mom's, I'm going to try and make an effort to be online for a little bit everyday. It's difficult during the week when I have the girls but I can do it for sure on the days they are with their daddy.

Well, I need to get back to work..........I'll update more later.......

Wow.

2008-06-25T02:25:29Z

It's been almost three weeks since I've posted. That's a long time. I've got a lot to update on.

Juan and I are going through with the divorce. Really, it's better this way. All we ever do is fight and he keeps saying things he doesn't necessarily mean, which makes me depressed. He tells me he's gonna take the girls and that he doesn't want them exposed to "that kind of lifestyle." (meaning homosexuality) I'm not sure he really means it, cuz he keeps flip-flopping but once the words are spoken, they can't be taken back.

I met a girl who makes me smile. And more than just that. She makes me feel loved. Like I matter. While it seems the rest of the world is telling me how horrible I am and how selfish I am, she makes me realize why I need to be selfish once in awhile. It's so weird, though. We clicked instantly, from the first time I met her. But, we have almost nothing in common. We're complete opposites in so many many ways. But, yet, I get along better with her than I ever have with anyone. She really is a blessing to me.

Back pain is staying pretty steady. My dr is now too pregnant to do the OMT's and I'm starting physical therapy tomorrow. Fun fun fun. I'm now on two different meds for the pain and may be put on a third the next time I go to the dr. Bleh.

Ug. I'll have to post more later. Juan got back from the store and apparently wants to fight some more. I'm so exhausted.......

It happened too soon....

2008-06-06T14:46:54Z

We really need to get out of my mom's house. Cora came to me yesterday with this to say:

Cora: Mommy, i want to move out of here so Grandma will stop yelling at me.

Me: I know, sweetie. I'm looking for a place.

Cora: Did she yell at you like that when you were a kid?

Me: Yes, baby, she did. Grandma's always been like that.

Cora: Well, who took care of you?

It was at this point that I came to the realization of something. My baby is growing up. She, in her own way, has pieced together that the world is not always a happy place. Not everyone is lucky enough to have parents who put their children first. When I told her that I had to take care of myself, she gave me a hug as tight as she could and told me she was sorry. I have the most wonderful daughter. She so intelligent, so gifted, so caring. And now she knows the world is not all kittens and rainbows. I knew it would happen eventually. I just wish it didn't have to happen so soon.

Grrrrrr

2008-06-05T00:05:09Z

My mom just tried to lecture me on how to raise my children. Apparently I let them talk too much and they cry and whine to much. well, they're children for christ's sake. 1. They are trying to figure out our buttons to get their way. 2. They are usually tired or hungry or uncomfortable. It happens. good grief.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *screams of frustration*

Just one of those days.....

2008-06-03T19:12:28Z

Ever have one of those days where you send off emails to numerous friends -- nothing important, just chit chat and stuff -- and then you find yourself checking your email every half hour to see if they responded and getting upset when they haven't? Lordy, I sound like some type of pathetic stalker. "I wrote you five minutes ago! A whole five minutes! What in the name of holy banana heaven of friggin' monkeys is taking so long for you to respond, people?! Yeesh!"

I think I'm feeling lonely. Hm. I'm even being more chatty with the looks-like-a-penis man from work. BLAH!

Cramped and bloated

2008-05-30T15:14:51Z

Happy Birthday to me. I get to ride the crimson wave for my birthday. Aren't I lucky? Honestly, I hate nature -- in this aspect anyway. Doesn't anyone else out there wish there was a little switch or something you could hit when you're _not_ trying to conceive a baby so we don't have to put up with this monthly bullshit.

Womanly crankiness aside........

The other day I had pain in my back so bad i actually passed out. Not only was the passing out scary but my thoughts _while_ I was in pain were terrifiying. There were a few times I thought I should throw myself in front of a semi, jump out of the moving car and down a cliff, and some others that were just as bad. Scary scary stuff.

I'm better today than that day, which was hell. I've stolen an idea from robertsloan2 and started putting a number system to my pain. This is mainly for Juan's purposes because he's having trouble understanding certain things. Like when he comes home and asks me if my back hurts today. Well, it hurts everyday. That's why it's fibro and not something stupid like carpal tunnel. Or when he doesn't get that I'm in a better mood today because the pain is less than yesterday. Am I feeling better? Sure. If I were a negative person, though, I'd tell him yeah, I'm better today but tomorrow will probably be worse. But, I tend to stay away from the negativity and focus more on the positive. I'm too happy to be negative...........except this one week a month. lol.

I have to get my blood drawn at some point. I dislike needles. I'm tired of them sucking my blood. Blah.

What else is going on in my life? Hmmmmm......

Juan and I have come to a sort of arrangement about our marriage. The main problem I'm having with divorce is that I grew up with divorced parents who did not get along and still do not. Money was #1 on their priority and their children were not. We lived in poverty, at times with no food, no clothing, while my mom worked two low paying jobs to pay the bills. This whole time my father was making six figures and fighting my mom to have the child support lowered. Now, I know this will never happen with Juan and I. Our children are first priority. But, it's hard to tell ourselves that we would be okay given the times we are in. So, we're going to look to buy a house together. We will stay married and keep our income combined so that the girls have what we didn't. At the same time, I will have my own room. Not necessarily a bedroom, but a room only for me. Juan is not allowed there unless I invite him in, I can do whatever I please in that room. And, because I cannot ignore forever what I am, Juan is okay with me "experimenting" so long as I tell him before it happens. But, at the given time, I'm content. I told Juan that if I was allowed to "play" so could he but we'd need to establish some very strict rules for one another. He, of course, because he is the wonderful man that he is, said he wouldn't feel right about "playing" right now but maybe in the future. I am happy with this for right now because i wasn't sure how i felt about not being married to Juan and not living in the same home as him. He's been such an unbelievable help to me with all the chores and stress and the kids and whatnot. He's a good husband, a good father, and I love him with all my heart. Eventually, I"m sure that staying together might be too much on both of us and divorce will be inevitable, but right now I am happy with this.

The only reason we decided this so quickly is that things at my mom's house are not going so well. It's going horrible to be honest. I wish I could say that Juan and I have been able to save up a ton of money so we can get a new place, but my mom has pretty much bled us dry. Everytime a bill comes up, she asks if we can pay it and she'll "pay us back on payday." And then, of course, on payday something else comes up and she doesn't have the money. So, essentially, we are still in the same predicament we were in before except now we're living in more of a hostile living situation. My mom yells a lot at everyone. The girls can't cry, whine, throw a fit, or even laugh too loudly or she flies off. Everytime something breaks, she starts balling about how horrible her life is. I think a lot of this is that she doesn't take her hormone pills right. Another thing is that she constantly lies. She will lie right to your face and if you catch her in a lie, she tells you that you're the crazy one. I just need out of this house. It's not healthy for the girls, not healthy for me, not healthy for Juan and I. Another rule of hers is that Juan and I cannot argue. We cannot disagree and have to remain quiet. None of our belongings are aloud outside our bedrooms. I left a hair brush sitting on the couch one day and she freaked out on me. So, imagine taking a house worth of stuff and cramming it into a tiny bedroom. We only have room for one dresser in the bedroom and that's it. I pretty much live out of a laundry basket and my husband has all his clothing in totes in the basement. he takes out what he'll need for work for a week and leave it upstairs, but the rest stay in the basement.

So, we need out. and now.

We started looking for a place to buy (the rental properties are geared towards college students so the prices are ridiculous). We'll be going to a mortgage company this weekend. If anyone has any advice, it would be extremely helpful. I've never bought a house before and I'm a little overwhelmed anyway. Thanks!

okay, I need to get back to work now......

Hope everything is all well in cyberworld!!

TGIF -- that's all I gotta say.

2008-05-16T13:35:04Z

Okay, I lied. I have more to say. hehe!

I'm still pretty tired. My friend mzkrazykatthinks I'm anemic. That's the second person to mention low iron. But, the doctor keeps regular track of my iron levels and so far everything is fine. Bleh.

Season finale of Supernatural was fantastic and left me screaming at the TV. I watched it with Mickie and she cried through the ending. Now I can't wait until it starts back up again. ladie - dah

Did I mention I'm still sleepy?

Okay, to finish work....busy busy busy but tired tired tired......

Sleep?

2008-05-14T11:58:48Z

Yesterday I slept through my alarm. Didn't hear it at all. When I got up, it was too late for me to shower so I opted to stay home. Took the girls to school/daycare and I slept all day. At my doctor's apt, we finally diagnosed my back problems. Fibromyalgia. Lovely. And now since I'm so drowsy all the time she's worried that I may also have sleep apnea. Sure, why not?

This morning my mom woke me up twenty mins before I'm supposed to be out the door. I guess I'm not going to work today either. This is fine by me, honestly. I need to catch up on home stuff.

But first, I need a shower. Good lord do I need a shower.